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| Note: Not a VCR. |
As a kid, I believe my most precious childhood possession
was a classic Playstation. Like many other kids at the time, I treated this
system with the same reverence as you would give an old family relic. I’ve
always felt a little ashamed of myself for worshipping the game system, but as
I think more about it, why wouldn’t I praise such an amazing piece of craftsmanship?
Let me tell you why a Playstation is better than your old beat-up heirloom and
why you should appreciate it more.
Let’s begin
with aesthetics: the Playstation is a sleek, soft-gray masterpiece, while your
heirloom is probably a dingy quilt or other craft your great-grandmother did in
her off time from smacking your grandmother around (violence happens, get over
it). You could place a Playstation in your home entertainment system and it
would not look out of place. Hell, it might even be an upgrade to your living
room, which is probably covered in weed crumbs and Dorito dust. If you throw an
old smelly quilt over the back of your couch, you can’t be surprised with the
company that type of feng shui will attract.
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| This is the type of company... |
Now let’s talk entertainment
capabilities, if we really must. The Playstation is capable of playing two of
the most iconic video games to date: Grand Theft Auto and Final Fantasy VII,
where the argument for Playstation stops. This category is already a victory
for the system but I’ll entertain the idea of an heirloom being remotely close
to reaching Playstation levels of fun. You can sleep in your old quilt, and
eventually die from hypothermia because it wasn’t thick enough to keep you
warm. You could also stare at your good ol’ pocketwatch and end up missing the interview
you’ve been waiting for, all because the stupid thing doesn’t tell time. If
that’s not fun enough you could wear that old ring that was passed down to you
and get robbed in the streets after a long day of work. Getting a Playstation
would be so much less drama.
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| The guy on the left could be you. |
I’m
surprised you’re still reading this massacre. Lastly, I would like to address
cool-points. “Cool-points” is such a mind bending point system that I cannot go
into detail about the results. What I can tell you is that Playstation
obviously won by a large margin in the cool-points category. Basically, if a
caveman found your grandfather’s old hat he would put it on his head and
continue about his day. But if a caveman found a Playstation, he would plug it
in and crap his loincloth from steep over exposure to coolness. So if you don’t
want a caveman overflowing all over your living room, show him that old shoe
you got from your great grandfather.
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| That's a face of relief. Ready for more Playstation |
We knew
this would happen, but I’m contractually obligated to state the results
explicitly. The Playstation is the clear winner in the battle for your
attention and love. Does your family heirloom look cooler than a Playstation?
Probably not. Can your family’s heirloom play Crash Bandicoot? Definitely not.
Is your family’s heirloom as cool as a Playstation? It wouldn’t make a caveman
crap his pants, so the answer is no. What I will give the heirloom points in is
that it could be worth more than a Playstation, depending on the object. In any
case, if your family heirloom is worth any money, pawn it and buy yourself a
Playstation.
